Being vulnerable is never really my thing. I always feared and hated that to the point that I would barely ever cry in front of people. There are people who have known me for years but never seen me cry or talk deeply about my thoughts and feelings. However, part of my self growth journey is to be vulnerable enough (yet still maintaining my privacy) to be as real as I possibly can with you all. Today is a bit of an emotional day for me (in a good way) that led me to make a personal decision..
I had an induction session at my university today, and after the session ended, the tutor and I had a conversation about education and where I currently stand. My tutor gave me a bit of a confidence boost by reminding me that I am courageous and how I always chase opportunities that I find. After walking out, I remembered every single time I fell apart and every time I didn’t believe in my self. (Dramatic.. I know) And with that memory striking, I remembered that there was ALWAYS someone there cheering for me and telling me to keep going.
All of my siblings, my mother and every “real” friend I have had has always seen the strength and resilience in me that I didn’t see back then. I talk more about personal growth journey and how I got back up from the things that tore me down in my other blog, “Personal Empowerment: How Did I Find Myself?”
Back then, I didn’t see that there was always someone there for me. I felt so alone for YEARS, and even though there were moments where I felt like my feelings aren’t understood and because I find it difficult to open up, they still loved me. They were there for me even when I didn’t see it and when I pushed them away.
If you go back 3-4 years ago, you’d see that I wasn’t the person I am today. I wasn’t as brave or assertive or headstrong as I am today. And what I love about where I’m at today, is that I am allowing myself to grow every single day and make sure that I make at least one person feel better every single day.
As I write this while holding back my tears, I want to thank every single person that has ever cheered me up, to every single person that saw what I didn’t see in myself, to every person that has loved me and still loves me and to tell every single one of you that I love the fuck out of you all, and I mean that from the core of my heart. I really do hope that you can feel my love and tight hugs right now 🖤💋💋💋
In the midst of “reminiscence,” I have decided to open my heart more and to allow myself to feel every emotion with passion. I have decided to stop holding back and to let myself cry when I need to, to let myself feel whatever I am feeling and to allow myself from now on to be open to love and close friendships again. After a very big heart break from my FIRST relationship, I fell apart because there was a lot of shit from my past that I was too scared to deal with and go through the painful healing process. I closed my heart for the longest time and didn’t allow myself to fully immerse in the “falling in love” and “dating” experience since then.
But that’s not what I’m doing anymore. I will live and feel every single emotion because I get one fucking life. I want to be as social as I possibly can, get the job of my dreams, embrace my body regardless of its shape and size (also discussed this in my previous blogs – I have PCOS so my weight fluctuates no matter what) and I want to fall in love again.
Being vulnerable is NOT weak or pathetic in any shape or form. It’s part of being human and really expressing how you feel. Anyone who doesn’t respect that, fuck them. Your feelings are VALID and IMPORTANT. Make sure your voice is always heard.
Now I know that throughout this journey it’ll still be “weird” to open up from time to time and to talk about my feelings, but I am willing to break that barrier and to be my authentic self as much as I possibly can.
As I end this blog, I just want to remind you all that you are NEVER alone. There is ALWAYS someone out there to hold your hands and pull you back on your feet, but you have to let them in. You might feel alone right now in a room full of people or find yourself in a relationship/friendship that makes you feel misunderstood and alone, but I promise you that walking away and going through the long healing journey is SO worth it. You hold so much power in you that you will see one day, and you, in your own unique way, you’re fucking beautiful from the inside out. You’re not alone and there is a way out, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
To be honest, I am ecstatic about this decision as I know I’ll develop the best fucking friendships and relationships. At the same time, I’m terrified of opening my heart to people, which is why I will also be very cautious with who I choose to be vulnerable with.
I am always here if you want to talk to someone or if you feel alone. Sending you tons of love and light. And if no one told you this today, I love you queen/king 💋