This is my Not-So-Secret Diary ~ Well.. not diary pffft.. Your LadyInRed here writes blogs about dealing with body issues, confidence, mental health and many more... I want to make your inner flower bloom and your strength SHINE! 🖤💋 I am NOT a mental health professional.. These are things I dealt with and still sorta deal with and I have inspired soooo many..🖤 You’re next.. so let me help adjust your crown 👑
I think self-love is one of the most difficult things to achieve. It is so easy to love anyone else and share all the kindness in your heart, but it is SO hard to feel that same way towards yourself. Not only because it takes a lot of altering to your internal dialogue, but also because of this idea that we have been told that loving ourselves is ‘narcissistic’ somehow… There is a huge difference between recognising your values and your strengths and admiring those aspects of you, and being a self-obsessed asshole sitting on their high horse and treating everyone else like they’re beneath them. And it’s like, ummm…? Miss/Sir? No one has wanted to say ‘hi’ to you since 1974, so get off your high horse and give it a rest already.
I’ll get to the tips right away without dragging this further…
Here are some tips on enjoying your own company:
Take yourself out ALONE – There is nothing ‘weird’ about spending time alone outside, because you’ll be spending hell of a long time with yourself for 80+ years (hopefully) no matter who you end up with. Try maybe taking yourself out for coffee and take your laptop with you to do some work or study. Get a French coffee from Tim Horton’s and a donut, and sit there with your laptop doing some work. Try doing this once a week or every other week.
2. To-do list of movies to watch/books to read ALONE- If you decide to stay in or you’re just be as lazy as I can be sometimes, then you might want to watch a good movie or a tv series with some popcorn or a tub of ice cream, whatever it is that you enjoy. If you prefer reading then get books that you would enjoy depending on the genre that you prefer.
Here are some of the great movies you could watch: – Get Out – The Split – Shutter Island – Inception – The Wolf of Wall Street [Don’t ever watch it with family or anyone under 18 please. A lot of nudity and sexual scenes] – The Lovely Bones [Saiorse Ronan is amazing] – Hush – I Am Legend [Old but gold. Will Smith RULES] – The Pursuit of Happiness [Another old but gold Will Smith movie] – I Feel Pretty – Bird Box [Sandra Bullock’s movies are the BEST] – The Blind Side [Sandra Bullock] – Premonition [Sandra Bullock] – The Help [Emma Stone] – Crazy Rich Asians – Confessions of A Killer [The Ted Bundy movie]
Series: – When They See Us [4 episodes only and based on a true story] – The OA – Black Mirror [AMAZEBALLS. Sci-Fi and every episode is a different story with different characters. Best episodes are: Shut Up and Dance, PlayTest, Hang The DJ, NoseDive, White Bear and Black Museum] – The Good Place – One Day At A Time – Breaking Bad – How I Met Your Mother – Grey’s Anatomy – Stranger Things – Jane The Virgin – Anime: Death Note <3
3. Create An Atmosphere – Give your room a different vibe that’s uplifting. I got myself fake red roses to put on my desk and a vanilla scented spray for my room. Give it a more positive vibe that YOU enjoy!
4. Gratitude Hour – Give yourself an hour each day to journal everything you’re grateful for. It can be something as small as ‘Got a phone call from an old friend’ or ‘Sunny day!’ Keep a gratitude journal and write a list of things or even a paragraph of what you’re grateful for.
5. Set daily micro-goals – I can be forgetful sometimes especially that as a university student living alone, you got a lot to do on your own. Sometimes I write on some post-it notes stuff that I want to do today, such as: – Buy groceries – Read article – Call my friend – Tidy desk – Gratitude journal Keeping a micro goal list and checking things off your list gives you a sense of ‘accomplishment,’ obviously not the same accomplishment as winning the fucking Oscar award, but at the end of the day you see that you have been productive on your own all day and completed everything you wanted to.
6- Reward YOURSELF – After a rough, long week or any big/small achievement, you reward yourself. Do something you don’t usually do alone. If you don’t usually add bath bombs to your bath, time to get a bath bomb and some bubbles in there. Maybe even reward yourself by going out with a friend. Just treat yourself the way you would treat other people to start developing a friendship with YOURSELF.
7- Listen to podcasts of topics that interest you – Whether you like sports, self-empowering podcasts, etc… look for podcasts that interest you and save them to listen to them when you’re alone.
8- Learn something new – This kind of falls under listening to a podcast or reading a book. One way to keep yourself busy and enjoy your own company, is to learn something new. That can be cooking, a new hobby, a sport or even education. Since last year, I have been interested in learning more about the ‘law of attraction’ (not that kind of attraction, get your head out of the gutter) which is basically a concept that suggests how our recurrent thoughts and beliefs manifest and impact our reality (it’s quantum physics basically and psychology). I watched a documentary called ‘The Secret’ to understand it more and watched videos about it to understand it more. It was such an eye opening concept to understand and read more about.
9- Write a letter to yourself – Sometimes we all need some reassurance and the best person to understand you is YOU. I wrote a letter to myself last year that I look back to when I’m not feeling my best or when I have days where I feel self-conscious. You could write a letter to your younger self and give that person the advice and reassurance you wish you received back then. This is another way you become your own best friend and start to develop a bond.
10- OWN something that broke you in the past! As I mentioned in one of my blogs before, I was in a toxic relationship where I was constantly body shamed. Recently I found a dress that I once wore when I was with him and I remember how he made a joke about how I don’t get cold during winter because he said that I’m “fat.” Wanna know what I did when I found that dress? I wore it with PRIDE and loved how my body looked in it 🙂 I changed my story and chose to be in control, NOT HIM. NOT ANYMORE. See photos below
NONE of these photos have any filter or edits. You know why? Because those fake filters are one of the big reasons why we’re self-conscious. I like to use them sometimes but not because I want to look “perfect.” I am NOT skinny and I don’t think I’ll ever be. And I know that a lot of guys won’t find that attractive and women (the ones that truly disgust me) who have no respect whatsoever will make comments about my body, but I don’t give two fucks anymore. I don’t label myself as fat, average or thin. I label myself as beautiful and courageous. Also I don’t wear foundation so can we please talk about my skin? 😝
The best inspiration I ever found was when I owned my heartbreaks and pain. Find your inspiration within yourself and watch how fucking invincible you will be.
Yes, I am VEGAN! And I love it when people ask me “oh so you’re one of those people?” And I’m like “Yupp, I’m one of those annoying people trying to use less plastic, save this planet called ‘Earth’ and prevent animal cruelty. How awful of me, right?”
I am NOT writing this blog to force my beliefs on anyone, nor to mock meat eaters. I am writing this blog to explain veganism better, answer common questions and raise awareness about certain things. So no need to be such a snowflake and get offended, relax there buddy, you’re going to be fine.
Please note that I am NOT a health professional, I am sharing what I know based on research and my personal experience.
This blog will explain why and how I became vegan after being a meat eater for 20 years, meal ideas, good meat and dairy alternatives, places and restaurants for vegans, UK supermarkets vegan products and answering common questions about veganism.
Before we get into this blog, let me start by saying that I am MUSLIM. Why am I sharing this? Because a lot of Muslims I know take this the wrong way and think that I am disrespecting Islam or making it seem ‘evil’ in a way by being vegan. I follow that religion and I think it is BEAUTIFUL, but back then we didn’t have the resources that we have now and all the alternatives. That’s why we’re allowed to eat meat and dairy products. Also, it was never an OBLIGATION for us Muslims to eat meat. So calm down, I never even mocked any other religion that I don’t follow.
I will not tolerate any none sense on here as we vegan get that a lot. If you’re disinterested in this blog, please stop reading and leave us be. I don’t criticise or ridicule meat eaters.
What is Veganism?
Veganism is basically abstaining the use of animal products [Food, clothes, cosmetics, etc…] So basically we do NOT consume any meats or dairy products, for ethical reasons. Some people do it for other reasons of course.
What Do You Mean By ‘Ethical Reasons?’
I don’t even get how I’m asked this question, but long story short, animals are being tortured and killed so we can consume them, a lot of makeup and skin care brands (not all) like Mac test on animals for humans ‘safety,’ and cows are being forced impregnated, which is basically RAPE. I know this is a sensitive topic, but since I am asked a lot about this here we go – To produce milk, cows obviously need to get pregnant and that is done by guiding a sack of sperm into the cow’s uterus by pressing against the wall of her anus. After that, calves are taken away from their cow Mom so that the cow’s milk is used for dairy products. Even chickens are being drugged to lay more eggs. Read HERE about how chickens are being ABUSED.
No, animals weren’t created to be killed. I get that argument a lot, in that case we’d be eating frogs and donkeys then.
Protein powder- Myvegan is a great company or just look for HEMP protein powder
Hold your horses, will get to the big question surrounding ‘PROTEIN’ in a bit
How Did I Become Vegan?
1- When I started working this year, I was always out and so I had to eat out sometimes. I noticed more than once that whenever I eat dairy, I’d get stabbing pain in my stomach and I’d feel sick. After getting an allergy test I found out that I am lactose intolerant and I have a dairy allergy. [You can develop allergies as an adult, I won’t get to it, but if you want more information read here] So I started to slowly replace the dairy products.
Milk I tried different types of milk alternatives – Almond Milk, Oat Milk, Soy Milk, Coconut Milk and Cashew Milk. Oat milk and almond milk are my FAVOURITE! I think soy and coconut are fine, but I’d rather have almond/oat milk. I haven’t tried cashew and hazelnut milk till now, so that’s next on my list. ALPRO is a great brand, you can find it in Tesco, Sainsbury, Aldi, Asda, Holland & Barret and online, too.
CHEESE IS LIFE If you know me, you know I LOVE CHEESE. So I started trying different types of cheese and these are the brands I found the best: – Violife [their cheese slices are shit though] – Cheddar slices, cream cheese, mozzarella and Mediterranean ch**se are all great cheese alternatives [Holland & Barret have this brand in the fridge section] – Nutritional Yeast/Yeast Flakes: These are flakes that have a nutty, cheesy taste. They’re sold at Asda, Holland & Barret and Amazon
– Tesco has a Mature Cheddar vegan cheese
– Tofutti – Mozzarella and cream cheese – Follow Your Heart – Different types of cheese like Parmesan – Norseland – Smoked Applewood Cheese [Melts like a motherfucker] I found on at Asda’s website and thevegankindsupermarket.com
Heavy Cream I love heavy cream on my pasta! Good thing I found alternatives for that: – Soaked cashews and water in a BLENDER [YES, it’s that easy] and I season it with whatever I want to. For thick, heavy cream I use 1/2 cup of soaked cashews (I soak them for about an hour) and add a 1/4 cup of water. The amount of water you add depends really on the consistency of cream that you’re looking for.
-There are other cream alternatives like coconut cream at Tesco and I found almond cream at thevegankindsupermarket.com
Eggs – Usually I just make Tofu scramble and I’m good. Tofu is accessible at ALL supermarkets and my favourite brand there is Cauldron because the tofu is firm.
Follow Your Heart launched a Vegan Egg which is sold at Holland & Barret, but it is quite expensive.
Flax Eggs – Now this isn’t for making faux omelette or scramble, this is used more for baking and pancakes. For every tablespoon of GROUND flax seeds you add 3 tablespoons of water, and you let it sit for 5 mins. Watch HERE
Ice Cream Ben & Jerry and Magnum have both launched a few vegan ice creams and I have seen them sold at Sainsbury and Holland & Barret
Chocolate I saw a lot of snacks and chocolates that are vegan at Holland & Barret and Hotel Chocolat!
2- I am not that into meat to be honest, I only used to eat chicken and sometimes Salmon. So it wasn’t that hard for me to give up meat. I was a vegetarian over the summer and I found some meat alternatives as well at Tesco, Sainsbury and Holland & Barret. You can find vegan minced meat, sausages, chicken pieces, burgers and nuggets. I don’t really get them as much though because I don’t really crave meat and I try to stay away from processed food. These brands are the best: Quorn, Linda McCartney, Beyond Meat and Vivera
3- I have been trying different vegan recipes since last year. I started by making a vegan meal or two every week. Then I started to have one vegan meal each day.
Now I know that was a lot of information up there, and no, you don’t have to purchase ALL OF THAT. Personally what is always in my pantry is beans, nuts, seeds, coffee, veggies, nut butter, unsweetened almond milk and dairy-free cheese. Depending on what I am craving that’s when I decide which carbs I want to get.
Here are some examples of what vegans eat:
You can always get the meat-free options but that is more pricey and processed food is shit basically xD I have a bit of a poor appetite, so I only eat twice a day and I barely snack, here are 3 examples of what I eat on a day:
Other Meal Ideas:
1- Breakfast: Baked Beans on a toast + coffee with oat milk or nut butter on toast + coffee with/without milk of choice Lunch: Pasta with chickpeas, veggies you like and any sauce you like Dinner: Creamy cauliflower soup
2- Breakfast: Smoothie of choice Lunch: Walnut Chilli [ Meat-free minced beef, tomato sauce, walnuts, zucchini, green pepper, onion and celery] Serve with rice or bread if you want to Dinner: Vegan cheese sandwich/Vegan egg and cheese sandwich
Protein protein protein… Everyone is so obsessed with protein that people consume more than needed. Don’t get me wrong, protein is absofuckinglutely IMPORTANT for muscle growth, repair and build tissues, building cartilage, bones and enzymes.
The amount of protein we need depends on your activity level, age, height, weight, etc… Again, I am not a health professional, but I do some research.. You can see in this source that the average sedentary woman needs around 46 grams of protein per day, and the average sedentary man needs per day is 56 grams.
So how do vegans get their protein without consuming meat?
!PLANT PROTEIN! Yes, you read that right.. Plants are at the start of the food chain and animals (AKA humans – We are mammals) are at the end of the food chain. [The circle of life]. Gorillas, Rhinos and Elephants are all herbivores, yet they are the strongest and biggest animals. The animals that people eat, eat plant themselves and that’s how herbivores get their protein.
How Much Protein is in Plant-Based Food?
The curry gravy with rice and black beans I posted earlier + 3 hemp seed nuggets = 34.6 grams of protein
100g of Cauldron’s Tofu (half the package) alone has 12.6g of protein
The almond pancakes I posted earlier has around 9.6 grams of protein [2 Tbsp Meridian Almond butter, 1/4 cup Alpro’s almond milk, 1/4 tsp baking powder, 1 Tbsp coconut flour 1 Tbsp ground flax seeds from Holland & Barret, 12g ground almonds from Tesco and 1 tsp sweetener] mix dry ingredients in a separate bowl from almond butter and almond milk mixture, then mix all together and let it sit for 3-5 mins before you make them.
No, Calcium’s main source is not just milk.
Almost everyone I know supplements on Omega 3 and Vitamin D, yet vegans are criticised for needing to supplement on: – Vitamin D3 – Vitamin B12
Eating Out (Birmingham)
I live in Birmingham, UK, so I am not sure if all these places are in the city you live in currently. I have been trying since last year vegan food at cafes and restaurants, but I haven’t tried ALL of these… most of them though
1- Wagamama [Vegan menu available]
2- Zizzi’s [Vegan menu available]
3- @pizza in the Grand Central [Vegan options]
4- Papa John’s [Vegan options available but the vegan cheese they use is shit tbh]
5- Pizza Hut [Vegan options even dessert, but they use the shit vegan cheese Papa John uses]
6- Indian, Thai and Chinese places always have veggie meals, if ordering curry, ask if it contains milk
7- Jam n Vegan on Instagram – Vegan Caribbean Food – they do weekly deliveries Instagram.com/jamnvegan
8- Starbucks [Dairy-free milk available, vegan mac and cheese and vegan raspberry chocolate mini cake]
9- Three’s Coffee Lounge have a lot of vegan options
10- Digbeth Dining Club [Vegan options available]
11- Boston Tea Party – LOVELY PLACE for breakfast and brunch [Vegan options available]
12- Subway [A few vegan options available not much]
13- Costa [Dairy-free milk options, vegan flapjack, vegan coca coal bites and cookies]
13- Gourmet Burger Kitchen [Vegan burgers]
14- Red Peppers at Mailbox [Vegan options available]
Rachel Ama’s Cookbook £13.74 for Hard copy and £9.99 on Kindle Get it HERE
The one that I have is called ‘Vegan Keto’ for low carb and high healthy fats vegan food but that is more complicated. Link to it is HERE, £11.89 Paperback and £7.99 Kindle Edition
Lastly, I’ll just briefly mention this:
As vegans we try as much as we can to have a better impact on the environment as well by doing the following (You can read more about them online): – Use less plastic – Don’t litter – NO to palm oil – Increase the availability of fresh water [Read more HERE]
I suggest to start to make small changes and build up on that rather than instantly converting. I was a vegetarian this summer and I have been vegan for 2-3 months now and to be honest, I feel my BEST!
There is a reason why it’s called ‘Heart break,’ because it breaks you in every way. It breaks your self-image, ruins your confidence, you’re wounded, hurt, hopeless and it shatters your perception of love. Heart break SUCKS! It’s different for everyone so I understand that some people won’t really get this and there are people who feel every word written in this blog…
Coming from a relationship that was very abusive in many ways than I shared in my previous blog [click here to read if you haven’t] having to leave it and go through all of this painful healing nearly KILLED me (literally). I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and the urge more than once to do it. There are days where it comes back like today and days or even weeks where it doesn’t even cross my mind. You can move on from the relationSHIT and stop loving that person but the wounds are still there.
Please, if you’re in a toxic relationship, LEAVE. Yes I still hurt sometimes and I still do have some work to do, but I have also healed 95% from all the shit that happened. I would rather take a round trip than a one-way trip. A round trip takes me back to the pain and feel the emotions so raw like it just happened then come back stronger, reflect and grow from it. A round trip allows me to breathe most days and feel joy and hope again. A one-way trip is being stuck in a dark hole full of pain and unbearable heartache.
Anyone going through a heart break now, trust me when I tell you that I fucking get it. I REALLY do feel for you… I still have days like TODAY where I am on an emotional roller coaster – from laughter to complete silence to tears to smiles again… It fucking hurts, but it also gets SO much better. I never thought I would even say that I healed 95%. I still try to open up and talk about certain things that happened to me, but trust me it is way better than being and living in that terrible moment. Leaving now will get you on the healing journey quicker. There is no easy way around it, you have to feel to heal. I promise you that the journey is SO WORTH IT though. I didn’t think I would have been able to muster up the energy to go through it and the courage to start talking about it.
I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but things do get better and you will see the light eventually… You can never see the light if you’re sitting in the dark and you can’t heal in the same environment you got sick at. I want to thank him for hurting me that way, otherwise I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. I wouldn’t have all that bravery, wisdom and resilience if it weren’t for that heart break. I wouldn’t have reflected on the real reasons that put me in\ that awful, excruciating position in the first place.
I would love to say to him – Thank You and Fuck You – but his ass has been blocked for MONTHS now
Make sure the next person you date is someone who is KIND, PATIENT and UNDERSTANDING. Someone who really gets you and your healing journey. Someone who is willing to let you take your time with things without feeling under pressure. Of course if you’re completely broken, then you should take the time to focus on yourself and NOT date. AND don’t take someone else’s compassion and patience for granted. Call yourself out when you’re being unreasonable or unfair to them, because what happened to you isn’t HIS/HER fault, it’s whoever hurt you in the past.
Loving our bodies is one of the most difficult things to do especially when we’re bombarded with all those fake social media photos, people who have cosmetic procedures done, toxic family members and emotional vampires (bf/gf or shit friends). Now I’m not judging anyone who has a cosmetic procedure done, it’s your body and your choice. I’m talking about the fact that a lot of us have unrealistic expectations is because our bodies aren’t built a certain way and we tend to look for those qualities in others. Today I am writing this blog to guide you and help you to start accepting AND loving your body.
As someone suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) I understand how difficult it is to love your body and not let it get to you. I have had mornings where I woke up refusing to get out of bed because I felt like shit about myself. I had days last year where I felt so down that I would cancel an outing or not go to the university lecture. Whenever I was invited to an outing or an event, my first thought would be “oh fuck.. what can I wear to hide the bigger parts of my body?” or “I won’t be able to wear that dress/skirt because of how ‘big’ I will look.” The thing is about body dysmorphia (will write a blog about it and how I deal with it) is that a) You obsess over every ”flaw” in your face/hair/body and b) You see those ”flaws” 3x worse. So I could literally lose 10 kg and barely see any difference, even when others tell me shit like “you look smaller yay congrats!” That’s how fucked up BDD can be. So when I tell you I get how painful it can be to even look at yourself in the mirror, I fucking mean it.
Until earlier this year, I struggled a lot with loving myself and my body to the point that I saw a therapist for 3-4 months. That is when I was diagnosed with BDD, social anxiety and anxiety. #NOSHAME Mental illness is very much real, but that is a whole other topic. I know what it’s like to be the meanest person TO YOURSELF to the point that you make yourself cry because you think you’re “unattractive.” I know what it’s like to just want to get out of your body or wake up in a different body because you hate it sooo much. I know what it is like to be angry at yourself for the body your in, especially that I have PCOS [Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome] so my weight is constantly changing no matter what.
So it REALLY SUCKED that I felt like I am not in control of my body and I barely opened up to anyone about my struggles. Now I understand that it might seem inappropriate for an average sized person to talk about weight struggles and body image problems as I’m aware there are people out there with actual obesity issues. So let me clarify this by saying that I CANNOT and will NOT speak for anyone with actual, real obesity problems. I am sharing my journey and how I deal with it. Lack of confidence can come in all shapes and sizes, and really a bully can body shame you regardless of how much you weight. I lost a good amount of weight this year and someone literally told me “But your boobs look smaller now..ugh” none of your business. My boobs are fantastic 😛
So, How Did You Start Loving Your Body?
Finding The Source – I say this a lot and I will say it again, we aren’t born with these insecurities, we are TOLD to be and feel insecure about certain parts of ourselves. So really, how did you develop that body image problem if you weren’t born with it? In order to solve ANY problem you HAVE TO go back to the source and find out what caused it in the first place. I didn’t discover this in one sitting obviously, so I kept self-assessing myself and asking myself by going back and trying to remember how it started. It started when I passed puberty and my body was changing quickly and I was around people smaller than me who talked about wanting to lose weight and sharing their diet plans. I promise you that when you find the source, you WILL call yourself out every time you get a bad body image thought. This is what I tell myself “hey, these aren’t YOUR thoughts. That is what you have been hearing.” You gotta call yourself out and remind yourself that you’re telling yourself what others are saying. I came to realise that the source is always one or more of the following: – Social media – Fake, photoshopped magazines – Friends AKA Shitty Emotional Vampires – Toxic family members – Society – Shitty Ex/Current BF/GF
Let It All Out – Most of the time, we as human beings tend to hold back and tell ourselves to just get over it and that it will pass. What really happens is that you push those thoughts aside and then they come back later and hit you hard. What I discovered was tough but helpful, is to say out loud EVERYTHING I hated about my body until I don’t have anything else left to say. I say it all out loud until my mind is clear of those thoughts. I know you’re probably thinking “well wtf? I’ll just make myself feel like shit.” Well maybe in that moment, yes, but that is PART of the self-love process. You can’t get better until it’s all out. Let it all out, then move to the NEXT step. DON’T STOP AND QUIT HERE. You can do this with someone you trust and feel like you can be vulnerable with, or you can do it alone.
Acceptance – Like I said earlier, sometimes we set ourselves UNREALISTIC expectations regarding our bodies. We were all built genetically a certain way, fat is distributed differently in every person’s body and we all have a different metabolic rate. Create a CAN DO and NOT IN MY CONTROL list. What can you actually change? Be more active? Reduce stress levels? And what is out of your control? Bone structure? Start to really understand the nature of your body more and love what’s not in your control because that is the ONLY body you will ever get. You can either spend the rest of your life hating it or celebrating your body for what it is. I was watching a live video recently of a social media influencer @MarysCupOfTea who said that your body is NOT an image, it’s an experience. The word ‘image’ started after social media and cameras became a big thing. DON’T let your body ‘image’ get in the way of your ‘experience.’
Words of Expression – I have noticed that more times than none, we tend to use the wrong words of expression like “I feel fat” or “I feel too skinny.” ‘Fat’ and ‘Skinny’ are NOT FEELINGS. You feel uncomfortable, unsatisfied and hurt. THOSE ARE FEELINGS. Change your internal dialogue and start to use more effective communication with yourself. By understanding the core of your feelings, you know where the work needs to be done.
Find A Healthy Balance – A lot of people think that body acceptance means being lazy and eating unhealthy. Your health is the reason why you are still alive, so I encourage you to start feeling healthy on the inside by finding a balance between body acceptance/self-love and a healthier lifestyle that you enjoy and fulfils you.
Unfollow Anyone Who Makes You Self-conscious – All those fake filtered people on social media should be unfollowed THIS INSTANT. You are NOT helping yourself or your self-image when you’re constantly seeing all those photoshopped pictures on Instagram of people with ‘perfect’ skin and #bodygoals. Anyone who posts their diet plan should be unfollowed too unless they’re a health professional. Why? Things work differently with our bodies and that is exactly why there are over 15 diet plans out there. Surround yourself with diverse body images from skinny to average to fat to obese. I AM NOT PROMOTING OBESITY OR BEING UNDERWEIGHT as they come with a lot of health issues. This is about respecting and loving all body shapes and sizes.
Shift Your Focus – Instead of focusing too much on what you like and don’t like about your face/body/hair/skin, maybe start admiring what you really like about yourself and your body. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend who tells you they are having a bad body image days.
Quit The Labels – Stop labelling others, but most importantly STOP labelling yourself! Stop labelling yourself as too thin, fat, skinny, obese or average and start labelling yourself as strong, beautiful, loving, compassionate and badass! You are more than JUST a body. You are who you are because of the experiences that have shaped you, because of the past mistakes that have changed you and because of the better person you chose to be. Perfectionism DOES NOT EXIST. BE REALISTIC PLEASE.
Stop Accepting Body Comments – I no longer accept “you lost weight” as a compliment as it just feeds into the idea that being smaller is sexier or prettier somehow. Small, average or big – they’re all beautiful! Lets reduce the focus on our bodies and caring about who lost or gained weight. Your body is a temple and it is YOURS ONLY. Don’t let anyone put you down about your size or shape from now on.
Set YOUR Own Beauty Standards – We are all letting society set beauty standards for us. If you go a few years back being ‘too skinny’ was hot and now women want bigger boobs, thicker thighs and ass. So really who sets those standards? This is JUST a trend, trust me. Even I myself was approached by a skinny girl who said that she wished she had MY body because it’s more of an hourglass shape which is more ‘feminine’ somehow. This is bullshit you guys! We live in a world now where you can LITERALLY change your gender! So really your shape and size DOES NOT define your masculinity or femininity. Trust me, I myself used to say my figure is masculine because of my broad shoulders. Now I look at them and I think ‘Lord I LOOK like a badass fighter!’
I do have bad body image days from time to time which is a HUGE progress for me. I used to think about it almost every minute of every day. No one looks perfect all the time, so I will share some NO MAKEUP days down below 👇🏻
Hijab is basically a head scarf that Muslim women wear. Today I am writing this blog after discussing this with my family and closest friends to inform them of my decision as to why I am taking the hijab off. I know I am dropping a BOMB here, but before we get to this blog let me just say that I am writing this because I have my mind made up NOT because I need ANYONE’S approval about MY hair/body.
I LOVE the hijab and I think it really adds more life to a lot of outfits and clothing. Taking the hijab off does NOT mean that I hate it or have any less respect for women who wear it. I think that you can wear whatever the hell you want because you are NOT defined by what you wear. Modesty is presented through character, through actions and good deeds. You can be a hijabi muslim who sits in the corner and gossips shit about others and you can also be a hijabi who does good deeds and still loves and follows Islam.
I am NOT trying to promote this idea or encourage ANYONE to take it off. I still very much believe in GOD [Allah] and I LOVE Islam so much! Taking the hijab off is NOT me leaving Islam, even though that is none of anyone’s business. Also, I will NOT remove my Instagram and Facebook pictures with the scarf. I love that journey and I think I looked darn fabulous with the head scarf. I am aware of the judgements that I will get and people saying shit like “why even wear it in the first place if you’re going to take it off?” I know there are people who will say that I am not ‘innocent’ or ‘decent’ enough. I am also aware people will say other shit like “What will you tell God when you meet him?” My response to all these questions is that it is something that is between me and Allah, and again, it is MY journey, MY business.
Why Are You Taking it Off Then?
Not that I have to explain myself to anyone, but I will share my thoughts and reasons here and that is the whole purpose of this blog. Don’t like it? LEAVE.
INTENTION – In Islam, EVERYTHING is about INTENTION. You know how people always tell you that if you’re going to pray or do ‘charity’ work then you have to do it with the right intentions and for the right reasons? Well this applies to the hijab, too, and I am starting to feel disconnected from the HIJAB NOT from God. And I have always worn the hijab for GOD, NOT for people. I feel like if I wear the hijab whilst feeling disconnected from it then I would be cheating Allah and I would be a hypocrite in the pursuit of getting a pat on the back from Muslims. I would be dismissing everything I wrote in my previous blogs about authenticity and being true to yourself. Here is an Islamic verse (Hadith) about intentions: إنما الأعمال بالنيات وإنما لكل امرئ ما نوى
Wore it for Too Long – I don’t mean that I am sick of wearing it or bored of it, but when I chose to wear it almost 6 years ago I wore it because I WANTED TO. I am still in my early 20’s and like it or not, there are outfits and certain clothing that I would love to try on and wear. Clothing to me is a form or self-expression and I would love to explored that. This goes back to what I said earlier about wearing it for the ‘right reasons,’ and if I am having these thoughts and urges to try out other stuff, then I am NOT wearing it with the right intention.
I am NOT asking anyone to approve of MY decision or agree with it. It’s a choice that I made and it is between me and God. Those who support me, I LOVE you for not being a closed-minded-culturally-brainwashed and for understanding that a scarf does NOT change who I am for the better. I am who I am because of who I CHOSE TO BE. I am still the same goofy, strong, independent and badass hardworking woman! Anyone who decides to be a judgemental ass or to ‘stay away from Hoezana’ I am so glad you decided to do that because now I know who really loves me and if I made the right decision to have you in my life.
A woman’s clothing is NOT the only way to serve God, so stop putting that kind of pressure on women making them feel inadequate or not “muslim enough” without it. Just fuck off already, seriously though. You can be a “good muslim” with and without the hijab. It’s about actions and your character.
And I will keep the scarves I have to wear them around my neck in winter and make my clothes look even more classy and trés chic 🖤
I will NOT be answering to anyone or explain myself further, worry about YOUR soul and YOUR connection to God (if you believe in Allah) NOT about me. My life decisions won’t contribute to your life in any shape or form, and if it does, boo-hoo I guess? Hahaha.
I did NOT work on my confidence and self-love that hard to go back to feeling like I can’t be myself because of a scarf. Sorry Not Sorry.
If no one told you this today, you’re beautiful. You’re strong. You’re resilient. You’re capable of doing ANYTHING. You’re unstoppable! You have the ability to go above and beyond🖤
YOU are amazing in so many ways. If you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, know that the weight will drop day by day. The pain will subside and you’ll see the light at the end of a tunnel one day.
The deeper the wound, the closer you are to a breakthrough. If you feel alone, know that even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, there is someone out there who cherishes you. There is someone out there who sees your beauty beyond your flaws, beyond your failures and beyond your perfect imperfections.
You deserve so much happiness, compassion and true love. You deserve someone who values you for who you are. You deserve people who feel you without saying anything. You deserve to be showered with so much joy and sunlight! 🖤
If you feel lost, know that soon you will find some guidance. If you need to cry, know that we all have two shoulders just for you. If you need a hug, know there are plenty of arms out there to hold you tight and that you are NEVER alone 💋
Stop looking at yourself as a failure, know that you’re still learning. Stop looking at yourself as incompetent, you are a precious being. Stop looking at yourself as a jackass, you’re only changing from here. Stop looking at yourself as ugly, you have a beautiful soul. Stop the self-hate and practice self-love instead. YOU.ARE.WORTHY 💋
NEVER LET ANYONE ELSE DEFINE YOUR WORTH!
Sending you tons of light, good vibes and tight hugs 🖤 If no one told you this today, I love you to infinity and beyond 💋 And fuck anyone who says otherwise..
I have noticed that the thing about social media is that it is usually high-high or low-low. By that I mean that our social media is either full of rainbows, butterflies and marshmallows OR storms and depressing quotes. This is one of the reasons why I write these blogs, as I am aware that I seem a ‘high-high’ person face-to-face and on social media most of the time and obviously that is NOT realistic.
Most of the time I am a very happy and positive person (thank fuck for this blessing because I wasn’t always like that), but like every human being in this world, I have shitty days as well. I am also a very private person and I like to keep my personal life away from social media as we’re all entitled to our privacy no matter what. So I’ll only share those personal stuff with close friends and share here on this blog how I deal with specific stuff like anxiety, etc…
So you guessed it, I had a crappy day today. It started crappy, something bothered me later that day and being a final year student stressed me out as well. I don’t want to drag this blog for 10 pages so I’ll just cut to the chase and share how I made myself feel better even if I am not 100% fine.
Went For A Walk – I know that we all try to ignore how we feel and our thoughts sometimes, but from my personal experience, I know it always comes back again if we don’t deal with it. Obviously if you have an exam or anything important than the focus should be switched to that important task then deal with how you feel afterwards. Going for a walk can really release your thoughts. According to scientific research, going for a walk or exercising boosts blood circulation to our brains, and therefore oxygen, which optimises our mental wellbeing overall. Next time you try to supress how you feel, try RELEASING instead.
4-Fold Breath – I have mentioned this in the ‘Dealing with Anxiety‘ blog so I’ll copy paste this here: ” Take a deep breath for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds, breath out for 4 seconds and empty your minds for JUST 4 seconds. If 4 seconds is a lot, practice 2 seconds, then do it for longer when you can. I say repeat this method for 5 to 10 minutes. if you need to do it for longer (20-30 minutes) then by all means do so. Trust me, it helps. Studies have proven that this increases the supply of oxygen to your brain to promote a state of calmness. Just focus on your breathing for those 5-30 minutes. It takes practice, but it REALLY works.”
Wrote 2 Shitty Pages – Get a pen and paper and write down one or two or twelve pages of RANTING. It doesn’t have to make sense, just RANT and write from the top of your head. You can throw the paper afterwards or keep it, up to you, but do this and LET IT OUT. Please DO NOT do it on your phone! You really do feel your thoughts being released when you write things down with YOUR OWN HAND.
Warm Showers Are The FUCKING BEST – Read here for more information.
Find Something or Someone That Makes You Laugh – Whether it’s a friend or a comedy show/movie, find that thing that makes you laugh or smile. I truly do believe in the power of laughter since it snaps you out of a moment in SECONDS! Thank god I have been blessed with a sense of humour where I make myself and others laugh A LOT. As for comedy shows, my two favourite are How I Met Your Mother (Barney is LEGEND-IHOPEYOU’RENOTLACTOSEINTOLERENT-DARY) and One Day At A Time. Alternatively, you can do or think of something that usually makes you smile, even if it’s just a memory. Find something that will boost your mood even a little!
I SHOULD have reached out to anyone and shared my crappy day but I honestly didn’t know what to say and like a lot of you I still find it hard sometimes to open up in general, but I’m trying. So DON’T make that same mistake and keep things to yourself every time. If you want people to be there for you, you have to reach out and stop expecting to be fed with a closed mouth.
This blog is so unplanned for, so I do apologise if it’s a little messy. I literally wrote it without planning on how or what I’ll write exactly. I really wanted to put this one out there even though it’s a bit short and fast. I hope you all have a blessed and a wonderful day. Remember that it’s just a bad DAY, NOT a bad LIFE.
Stay fucking awesome, fearless, badass and wear that crown with pride!
I am always so inspired to write the blogs I write about mental health, self-love, confidence, body image, food blogs and relationships. I’m really passionate about what I write and I always remind myself of the reason why when blogging about more difficult topics.
I’ll be real with you all – sometimes it isn’t easy to write about a real life experience because there are moments that I kinda re-live that experience in my mind and the emotions can be a bit raw. For that, I separate those “feelings” and focus more on spreading the message and raising awareness. As corny as this sounds, I want to help as many people as possible and inspire them by bringing out the best in all of us.
The point of this blog entry is that pushing feelings aside doesn’t make them go away, they come back a day or two later. And that’s what just happened to me now, I remembered the shit I wrote in my last blog entry and I felt sick to my stomach. I hate to say this, but I cried now for a good two minutes [ONLY, thankfully] and I am glad I did (which I haven’t done in a long time). I needed to flush this out of my system completely and I fucking did like the queen I have worked so hard to become.
Having a moment of rumination is OKAY! We all take round trips from time to time to reflect on the past to heal, grow, evolve and learn. And that is the most beautiful part of this journey. On that note, I’ll end this blog with a quote from Grey’s Anatomy.
“No one remembers easy. They remember the blood and the bones and the long, agonizing fight to the top. And that is how you become… Legendary.”
Stay fucking awesome, bold, fearless and badass 💋 Also, put on your crown and remind them all of who they’re dealing with 👑
Please note that there are a lot of stuff that I will not add to this blog to respect the privacy of the ex-shitty-relationship. I am so glad I came this far and managed to heal and truly move on. Abuse is something that you ALWAYS HEAL FROM. And when I say abuse I mean mental, physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse. If this is a topic that has triggered you in the past or will, please ignore this blog and do NOT READ IT. Your health and safety should always come first.
I know everyone who knows me will be shocked by this blog as I haven’t sat down and really spoke about this with ANYONE.
– National Domestic Violence Month: October
How Did It Start?
I started dating when I was 16, which is obviously a very
young age to open your heart to someone and start a relationship. Back then, I
was very self-conscious about my looks, my body, my face, my personality and
literally everything you can think of. I felt so unloved in the past since I was
bullied for years and I had other personal stuff going on.
At the age of 16, I met this guy whom I found attractive. He noticed me when I was feeling alone and lonely, and when we started talking, we found similar interests. One of our first conversations was about our interest in video games like The Last of Us, Beyond Two Souls and The Walking Dead. He really got my attention at that time, and I felt like he was different. When I say ‘different,’ I am talking about his mindset, since I come from a culture that is still somehow closed minded. I always felt different from my culture and I never thought that I would really find someone, not even a friend, who is that similar to me.
We started talking, and we got so much closer. We were close friends for around three months and then he started checking me out, flirting with me and noticing everything I do. I’ll be honest, he swept me off my feet. And we started sharing some personal stuff about our lives which made us grow even closer and I started feeling safe with him. Then some time later, he confessed his feelings to me twice and asked me to be his girlfriend. Obviously, I have reciprocated those feelings and they were super strong. When we started dating, things were so sweet, romantic and gentle. I remember we used to talk on the phone for 2-3 hours after midnight when everyone slept, and we would have endless conversations both on the phone and on social media.
I got too attached to him because I didn’t love myself enough.
I let HIM dictate what love, happiness and confidence really is. He was very
affectionate at the start of the relationship and I remember how much he talked
to me about how strong his feelings were towards me. I was super happy to the
point that I loved him blindly, because again I didn’t love myself enough. I
was truly, madly and deeply in love.
So, What Happened?
Even though he was very vocal about his feelings towards me, he never really did those little things or romantic gestures, like getting me a red rose or even a necklace… I was starting to feel really needy and at times we started arguing. Then when our parents found out that we have been seeing each other, he promised to not leave regardless. However, the way he was treating me, and the relationship changed. He was becoming too cautious as to when to see me, when to text me and he was angry that his parents were mad at him because of me. We started arguing A LOT and he was really aggressive with his stabbing words. He even told me at some point, “you don’t even know how to love.” Till this day I remember this sentence because it stung like hell. He started fighting over the smallest things and hated the fact that he was being judged by his friends that he is ‘dating.’ Yes, ‘dating’ is still a taboo in the Arab world, but I didn’t give a shit and I still don’t.
As I mentioned earlier, he was really aggressive with his words. And at some point,
he started calling me ‘fat.’ He made comments about how I would fall because he
thought I was too fat, even though I was thinner than I am now. I let it slide because
I thought to myself that he is just going through a difficult time. Then it got
worse from here… At one point he took his anger out on me and started yelling,
calling me names like ‘whore’, ‘slut’ and ‘stupid.’ I saw his rage and that side
of him when he got angry which made me wonder in that moment if he was just
angry or mentally unstable.
The problem wasn’t just that he called me names, the problem
is that I believed him because I didn’t think I was pretty enough or smart
enough or worthy in any shape or form. And after that we started talking less
and we were barely even meeting. It felt so lonely when I was with him and that’s
the worst place you can be at. Then a while later we both agreed to end the
relationship since he was too angry all the time and he couldn’t stand the
sight of me somehow.
A couple of months later, we got back together because I
followed my heart. I was still very in love with him, so I looked for excuses
as to why he was acting that way and I wanted to make it seem like it’s my
fault rather than his. And the same shit happened over and over again, we’d
start fighting a lot, break up and get back together, which went on for a year.
What Happened Next
That Was So Awful?
In New Year’s Eve, he texted me to apologise for how he treated me, and he said
that he is all better and he wants to make things right because he is still so
very in love with me and that I make him feel understood, calm and complete. I
agreed to get back together (because I was dumb as shit and had absolutely no self-respect).
Four days later, he told me that a family member passed away and he was deeply
struggling at that time. I wanted to be there for him, and I tried to see him.
When he asked for space, I gave it to him. When he asked to talk about it, I
listened. Even when he screamed at me, I let it slide because I knew that anger
is part of the grieving process.
You know how sometimes when you keep trying to reassure
someone that you don’t even know what to say anymore so everything you say
comes out wrong? Yeah, I did that. One night were talking about it and I was
trying to tell him how strong he is and that he has been through worse. That
obviously infuriated him because to him that was the most heart-breaking thing
that happened to him, and in that day, he said, “I HAVE BEEN THROUGH WORSE???”
Then he called me every name in the book, from to bitch to even ‘cunt.’ You
name it… That made me feel worthless, but I still let it slide, because I
thought to myself “I made him angry. It’s my fault. He really does love me he
is just angry right now and he is hurting.” And then he blocked me (one of the
many times he did) and so I had to reach him through his friends, and then one
of his neighbours told me they will go check on him and they told me that “he
is fine. He is just listening to some metal music.” I thought to myself that
well maybe he is trying to ignore the fact that he is in pain, so I waited for
him to unblock me and we started talking again.
For the next 5-6 months, he kept doing that – name calling, blocking me, starting arguments, talking about how much in pain he is, pushing me away, ignoring my texts and phone calls, refusing to see me but still went out with his friends. I didn’t understand why he treated me that way and he said, “well I don’t want to see you and I would rather spend time with my friends.” Mind you, these are the same friends that disapproved and judged our relationship, but he told me he shut that shit down. Even though I should have left from this mistreatment, he kept me on his leash somehow, saying that I am the only one who understands him, that I am the light to his dark room, that he wants to spend time with me but he just doesn’t feel like seeing anyone and that he truly loves me till this day. So, my dumbass STAYED even though he was a dick to me. I remember feeling so stuck… I wanted to leave because I was so mentally drained and exhausted, but I loved him very much and I thought that I wouldn’t be able to live without him. I was so depressed at that time and that’s when I started getting so anxious (Go read the blog I wrote about dealing with anxiety).
At some point he told me that he pushes me away because he feels like a burden and doesn’t want to pressure me by talking about his deep pain. I felt so much for his pain and I tried to tell him that part of being together is sharing our ups and downs. I even talked to a friend who drew portraits and asked him to draw one for him as that might cheer him up. When I sent him a photo of the portrait because he refused to see me, he talked about how it was awful because he didn’t like how his nose looked in that drawing, and he deleted that photo. When we went out finally, he kept making comments about my body. Even at some point he lifted my top a little and said that I need to slim down a little and that I would be sexier if I lost weight. He even said, “imagine how much fun we would have if you were thinner.” And I remember that day I wore a black lace dress to look pretty and I was wearing black because 1. I love black. 2. My grandfather had passed away a week prior, which by the way he told me to “fuck off” when I told him that I need to talk because I was upset the day he died. I remember feeling so small.. Like I have become the woman that allows someone else to spit on her dignity and crush her in pieces…
It was such a dark, tragic year. And then by mid-June, I couldn’t
take it anymore, so I told him how I feel about how he treats me and how it’s
all so wrong, then he kept making fun of what I said. HE LAUGHED ABOUT IT. Then
at some point I just lost it and said, ‘WE ARE OVER!’ I felt so bad that day
and regretful because I thought that the last thing, he needed was to lose
someone else and I asked him two days later to get back together but he refused
and told me he wants to focus on his healing.
When that happened, EVERYTHING that I was refusing to deal with HIT ME HARD – All the bullying and other stuff that has happened to me that I was ignoring because I didn’t want to bother with this whole painful, long healing process. [That’s where the other blog comes of ‘Personal Power: How Did I Find Myself’ comes].
So, we broke up and I was so damn angry all the time. I
cried for three hours straight that when everyone slept, and I couldn’t feel my
legs. I started coughing and almost choking from my tears, literally. My heart PHYSICALLY
hurt that at some point I genuinely thought that I was going to die. My head
was throbbing, and I started feeling dizzy, and I kept crying till my throat and
chest hurt and fell asleep. I remained deeply depressed for months, till he
came back and said that he was doing all better. Then as usual, we were on and
off because he’d say two weeks later or a month later that he is still not okay
and needs to just focus on himself.
How Did I End the Cycle and Get The Fuck Out? After almost 2.5-3 years of this fuckery happening, I completely changed. I focus on myself and started to really value myself which I explained it all in the Personal Power blog. When I was with him, I felt so detached and I was so sick and tired of hearing his excuses as to why he doesn’t want to see me and how he always pushed me away. The final straw was when he made it all about himself again and how life cruel has been to him and that he really does love me. THAT ANNOYED ME! It really did! So, I told him that the thing is with him, is that when one awful thing happens big OR SMALL, EVERYTHING STOPS. I explained to him that even though I understand that healing and mental health should be his number one priority, that I am also my number one priority. I kept going on about how the shit that happens to him is not anyone’s fault and that he can heal in his own way without mistreating me in the process. And I told him that I CANNOT to be the crutches to his emotions since I am not an emotional caretaker and he has absolutely no self-control. I went on and on about that and told him that “I am focusing on myself from now on.”
Now that’s not to say that he was faking his pain, because he really was in excruciating pain that at some point, he isolated himself from the world and pushed everyone away.
That heartbreak was the moment my life and I changed (IN A BEAUTIFUL WAY) and since I have reached my lowest point and managed rise up again and still have the capacity to really care about others and really laugh from the pit of my stomach, anything else that happened to me just hurt for a while. I was broken in the past and I glued myself back together to remain glued and strong.
What Did I Learn from
When you love yourself fully and truly, you will DEMAND that amount of love and respect from others.
Sometimes people need more help than you can give them, know your limits.
Shit that happens to others is not an excuse to act aggressively and abusively towards ANYONE.
Someone who TRULY loves you, respects you and DOES NOT body shame you.
YOU CANNOT help someone who refuses to accept help or help themselves.
Respect is a two-way street.
Love is nurturing, compassionate, sweet, kind and respectful. Love is NOT demeaning, or degrading or disrespectful – SHITTY PEOPLE ARE
Change does NOT happen in a matter of weeks. To change a flaw in YOURSELF takes time, accountability, commitment and determination. So, don’t expect to change ANYONE if that change doesn’t come from within them.
Focus on yourself before adding anyone else to the equation.
I am worthy and I still do believe in love! Love exists and it’s very much real between friends, partners and family members.
You are NEVER ALONE. I found tons of support and love from people when I started talking about my past struggles.
If you’re getting back together with someone make sure they have earned that trust and respect again. Make sure they prove to you how much they really value you.
Your body is a temple and it is YOURS. DON’T allow anyone to abuse it verbally or physically.
No more excusing excuses.
Feel comfortable to share your story in the comments and how you survived domestic violence (mental, physical, sexual or emotional) IF YOU ARE READY TO! I am always here for ANYONE who needs me. Please find help and talk to someone about this, there is ALWAYS a way out.
Being vulnerable is never really my thing. I always feared and hated that to the point that I would barely ever cry in front of people. There are people who have known me for years but never seen me cry or talk deeply about my thoughts and feelings. However, part of my self growth journey is to be vulnerable enough (yet still maintaining my privacy) to be as real as I possibly can with you all. Today is a bit of an emotional day for me (in a good way) that led me to make a personal decision..
I had an induction session at my university today, and after the session ended, the tutor and I had a conversation about education and where I currently stand. My tutor gave me a bit of a confidence boost by reminding me that I am courageous and how I always chase opportunities that I find. After walking out, I remembered every single time I fell apart and every time I didn’t believe in my self. (Dramatic.. I know) And with that memory striking, I remembered that there was ALWAYS someone there cheering for me and telling me to keep going.
All of my siblings, my mother and every “real” friend I have had has always seen the strength and resilience in me that I didn’t see back then. I talk more about personal growth journey and how I got back up from the things that tore me down in my other blog, “Personal Empowerment: How Did I Find Myself?”
Back then, I didn’t see that there was always someone there for me. I felt so alone for YEARS, and even though there were moments where I felt like my feelings aren’t understood and because I find it difficult to open up, they still loved me. They were there for me even when I didn’t see it and when I pushed them away.
If you go back 3-4 years ago, you’d see that I wasn’t the person I am today. I wasn’t as brave or assertive or headstrong as I am today. And what I love about where I’m at today, is that I am allowing myself to grow every single day and make sure that I make at least one person feel better every single day.
As I write this while holding back my tears, I want to thank every single person that has ever cheered me up, to every single person that saw what I didn’t see in myself, to every person that has loved me and still loves me and to tell every single one of you that I love the fuck out of you all, and I mean that from the core of my heart. I really do hope that you can feel my love and tight hugs right now 🖤💋💋💋
In the midst of “reminiscence,” I have decided to open my heart more and to allow myself to feel every emotion with passion. I have decided to stop holding back and to let myself cry when I need to, to let myself feel whatever I am feeling and to allow myself from now on to be open to love and close friendships again. After a very big heart break from my FIRST relationship, I fell apart because there was a lot of shit from my past that I was too scared to deal with and go through the painful healing process. I closed my heart for the longest time and didn’t allow myself to fully immerse in the “falling in love” and “dating” experience since then. But that’s not what I’m doing anymore. I will live and feel every single emotion because I get one fucking life. I want to be as social as I possibly can, get the job of my dreams, embrace my body regardless of its shape and size (also discussed this in my previous blogs – I have PCOS so my weight fluctuates no matter what) and I want to fall in love again.
Being vulnerable is NOT weak or pathetic in any shape or form. It’s part of being human and really expressing how you feel. Anyone who doesn’t respect that, fuck them. Your feelings are VALID and IMPORTANT. Make sure your voice is always heard. Now I know that throughout this journey it’ll still be “weird” to open up from time to time and to talk about my feelings, but I am willing to break that barrier and to be my authentic self as much as I possibly can.
As I end this blog, I just want to remind you all that you are NEVER alone. There is ALWAYS someone out there to hold your hands and pull you back on your feet, but you have to let them in. You might feel alone right now in a room full of people or find yourself in a relationship/friendship that makes you feel misunderstood and alone, but I promise you that walking away and going through the long healing journey is SO worth it. You hold so much power in you that you will see one day, and you, in your own unique way, you’re fucking beautiful from the inside out. You’re not alone and there is a way out, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
To be honest, I am ecstatic about this decision as I know I’ll develop the best fucking friendships and relationships. At the same time, I’m terrified of opening my heart to people, which is why I will also be very cautious with who I choose to be vulnerable with. I am always here if you want to talk to someone or if you feel alone. Sending you tons of love and light. And if no one told you this today, I love you queen/king 💋