There is a reason why it’s called ‘Heart break,’ because it breaks you in every way. It breaks your self-image, ruins your confidence, you’re wounded, hurt, hopeless and it shatters your perception of love. Heart break SUCKS! It’s different for everyone so I understand that some people won’t really get this and there are people who feel every word written in this blog…
Coming from a relationship that was very abusive in many ways than I shared in my previous blog [click here to read if you haven’t] having to leave it and go through all of this painful healing nearly KILLED me (literally). I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and the urge more than once to do it. There are days where it comes back like today and days or even weeks where it doesn’t even cross my mind. You can move on from the relationSHIT and stop loving that person but the wounds are still there.
Please, if you’re in a toxic relationship, LEAVE. Yes I still hurt sometimes and I still do have some work to do, but I have also healed 95% from all the shit that happened. I would rather take a round trip than a one-way trip. A round trip takes me back to the pain and feel the emotions so raw like it just happened then come back stronger, reflect and grow from it. A round trip allows me to breathe most days and feel joy and hope again. A one-way trip is being stuck in a dark hole full of pain and unbearable heartache.
Anyone going through a heart break now, trust me when I tell you that I fucking get it. I REALLY do feel for you… I still have days like TODAY where I am on an emotional roller coaster – from laughter to complete silence to tears to smiles again… It fucking hurts, but it also gets SO much better. I never thought I would even say that I healed 95%. I still try to open up and talk about certain things that happened to me, but trust me it is way better than being and living in that terrible moment. Leaving now will get you on the healing journey quicker. There is no easy way around it, you have to feel to heal. I promise you that the journey is SO WORTH IT though. I didn’t think I would have been able to muster up the energy to go through it and the courage to start talking about it.
I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but things do get better and you will see the light eventually… You can never see the light if you’re sitting in the dark and you can’t heal in the same environment you got sick at. I want to thank him for hurting me that way, otherwise I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. I wouldn’t have all that bravery, wisdom and resilience if it weren’t for that heart break. I wouldn’t have reflected on the real reasons that put me in\ that awful, excruciating position in the first place.
I would love to say to him – Thank You and Fuck You – but his ass has been blocked for MONTHS now
Make sure the next person you date is someone who is KIND, PATIENT and UNDERSTANDING. Someone who really gets you and your healing journey. Someone who is willing to let you take your time with things without feeling under pressure. Of course if you’re completely broken, then you should take the time to focus on yourself and NOT date. AND don’t take someone else’s compassion and patience for granted. Call yourself out when you’re being unreasonable or unfair to them, because what happened to you isn’t HIS/HER fault, it’s whoever hurt you in the past.
Please note that there are a lot of stuff that I will not add to this blog to respect the privacy of the ex-shitty-relationship. I am so glad I came this far and managed to heal and truly move on. Abuse is something that you ALWAYS HEAL FROM. And when I say abuse I mean mental, physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse. If this is a topic that has triggered you in the past or will, please ignore this blog and do NOT READ IT. Your health and safety should always come first.
I know everyone who knows me will be shocked by this blog as I haven’t sat down and really spoke about this with ANYONE.
– National Domestic Violence Month: October
How Did It Start?
I started dating when I was 16, which is obviously a very
young age to open your heart to someone and start a relationship. Back then, I
was very self-conscious about my looks, my body, my face, my personality and
literally everything you can think of. I felt so unloved in the past since I was
bullied for years and I had other personal stuff going on.
At the age of 16, I met this guy whom I found attractive. He noticed me when I was feeling alone and lonely, and when we started talking, we found similar interests. One of our first conversations was about our interest in video games like The Last of Us, Beyond Two Souls and The Walking Dead. He really got my attention at that time, and I felt like he was different. When I say ‘different,’ I am talking about his mindset, since I come from a culture that is still somehow closed minded. I always felt different from my culture and I never thought that I would really find someone, not even a friend, who is that similar to me.
We started talking, and we got so much closer. We were close friends for around three months and then he started checking me out, flirting with me and noticing everything I do. I’ll be honest, he swept me off my feet. And we started sharing some personal stuff about our lives which made us grow even closer and I started feeling safe with him. Then some time later, he confessed his feelings to me twice and asked me to be his girlfriend. Obviously, I have reciprocated those feelings and they were super strong. When we started dating, things were so sweet, romantic and gentle. I remember we used to talk on the phone for 2-3 hours after midnight when everyone slept, and we would have endless conversations both on the phone and on social media.
I got too attached to him because I didn’t love myself enough.
I let HIM dictate what love, happiness and confidence really is. He was very
affectionate at the start of the relationship and I remember how much he talked
to me about how strong his feelings were towards me. I was super happy to the
point that I loved him blindly, because again I didn’t love myself enough. I
was truly, madly and deeply in love.
So, What Happened?
Even though he was very vocal about his feelings towards me, he never really did those little things or romantic gestures, like getting me a red rose or even a necklace… I was starting to feel really needy and at times we started arguing. Then when our parents found out that we have been seeing each other, he promised to not leave regardless. However, the way he was treating me, and the relationship changed. He was becoming too cautious as to when to see me, when to text me and he was angry that his parents were mad at him because of me. We started arguing A LOT and he was really aggressive with his stabbing words. He even told me at some point, “you don’t even know how to love.” Till this day I remember this sentence because it stung like hell. He started fighting over the smallest things and hated the fact that he was being judged by his friends that he is ‘dating.’ Yes, ‘dating’ is still a taboo in the Arab world, but I didn’t give a shit and I still don’t.
As I mentioned earlier, he was really aggressive with his words. And at some point,
he started calling me ‘fat.’ He made comments about how I would fall because he
thought I was too fat, even though I was thinner than I am now. I let it slide because
I thought to myself that he is just going through a difficult time. Then it got
worse from here… At one point he took his anger out on me and started yelling,
calling me names like ‘whore’, ‘slut’ and ‘stupid.’ I saw his rage and that side
of him when he got angry which made me wonder in that moment if he was just
angry or mentally unstable.
The problem wasn’t just that he called me names, the problem
is that I believed him because I didn’t think I was pretty enough or smart
enough or worthy in any shape or form. And after that we started talking less
and we were barely even meeting. It felt so lonely when I was with him and that’s
the worst place you can be at. Then a while later we both agreed to end the
relationship since he was too angry all the time and he couldn’t stand the
sight of me somehow.
A couple of months later, we got back together because I
followed my heart. I was still very in love with him, so I looked for excuses
as to why he was acting that way and I wanted to make it seem like it’s my
fault rather than his. And the same shit happened over and over again, we’d
start fighting a lot, break up and get back together, which went on for a year.
What Happened Next
That Was So Awful?
In New Year’s Eve, he texted me to apologise for how he treated me, and he said
that he is all better and he wants to make things right because he is still so
very in love with me and that I make him feel understood, calm and complete. I
agreed to get back together (because I was dumb as shit and had absolutely no self-respect).
Four days later, he told me that a family member passed away and he was deeply
struggling at that time. I wanted to be there for him, and I tried to see him.
When he asked for space, I gave it to him. When he asked to talk about it, I
listened. Even when he screamed at me, I let it slide because I knew that anger
is part of the grieving process.
You know how sometimes when you keep trying to reassure
someone that you don’t even know what to say anymore so everything you say
comes out wrong? Yeah, I did that. One night were talking about it and I was
trying to tell him how strong he is and that he has been through worse. That
obviously infuriated him because to him that was the most heart-breaking thing
that happened to him, and in that day, he said, “I HAVE BEEN THROUGH WORSE???”
Then he called me every name in the book, from to bitch to even ‘cunt.’ You
name it… That made me feel worthless, but I still let it slide, because I
thought to myself “I made him angry. It’s my fault. He really does love me he
is just angry right now and he is hurting.” And then he blocked me (one of the
many times he did) and so I had to reach him through his friends, and then one
of his neighbours told me they will go check on him and they told me that “he
is fine. He is just listening to some metal music.” I thought to myself that
well maybe he is trying to ignore the fact that he is in pain, so I waited for
him to unblock me and we started talking again.
For the next 5-6 months, he kept doing that – name calling, blocking me, starting arguments, talking about how much in pain he is, pushing me away, ignoring my texts and phone calls, refusing to see me but still went out with his friends. I didn’t understand why he treated me that way and he said, “well I don’t want to see you and I would rather spend time with my friends.” Mind you, these are the same friends that disapproved and judged our relationship, but he told me he shut that shit down. Even though I should have left from this mistreatment, he kept me on his leash somehow, saying that I am the only one who understands him, that I am the light to his dark room, that he wants to spend time with me but he just doesn’t feel like seeing anyone and that he truly loves me till this day. So, my dumbass STAYED even though he was a dick to me. I remember feeling so stuck… I wanted to leave because I was so mentally drained and exhausted, but I loved him very much and I thought that I wouldn’t be able to live without him. I was so depressed at that time and that’s when I started getting so anxious (Go read the blog I wrote about dealing with anxiety).
At some point he told me that he pushes me away because he feels like a burden and doesn’t want to pressure me by talking about his deep pain. I felt so much for his pain and I tried to tell him that part of being together is sharing our ups and downs. I even talked to a friend who drew portraits and asked him to draw one for him as that might cheer him up. When I sent him a photo of the portrait because he refused to see me, he talked about how it was awful because he didn’t like how his nose looked in that drawing, and he deleted that photo. When we went out finally, he kept making comments about my body. Even at some point he lifted my top a little and said that I need to slim down a little and that I would be sexier if I lost weight. He even said, “imagine how much fun we would have if you were thinner.” And I remember that day I wore a black lace dress to look pretty and I was wearing black because 1. I love black. 2. My grandfather had passed away a week prior, which by the way he told me to “fuck off” when I told him that I need to talk because I was upset the day he died. I remember feeling so small.. Like I have become the woman that allows someone else to spit on her dignity and crush her in pieces…
It was such a dark, tragic year. And then by mid-June, I couldn’t
take it anymore, so I told him how I feel about how he treats me and how it’s
all so wrong, then he kept making fun of what I said. HE LAUGHED ABOUT IT. Then
at some point I just lost it and said, ‘WE ARE OVER!’ I felt so bad that day
and regretful because I thought that the last thing, he needed was to lose
someone else and I asked him two days later to get back together but he refused
and told me he wants to focus on his healing.
When that happened, EVERYTHING that I was refusing to deal with HIT ME HARD – All the bullying and other stuff that has happened to me that I was ignoring because I didn’t want to bother with this whole painful, long healing process. [That’s where the other blog comes of ‘Personal Power: How Did I Find Myself’ comes].
So, we broke up and I was so damn angry all the time. I
cried for three hours straight that when everyone slept, and I couldn’t feel my
legs. I started coughing and almost choking from my tears, literally. My heart PHYSICALLY
hurt that at some point I genuinely thought that I was going to die. My head
was throbbing, and I started feeling dizzy, and I kept crying till my throat and
chest hurt and fell asleep. I remained deeply depressed for months, till he
came back and said that he was doing all better. Then as usual, we were on and
off because he’d say two weeks later or a month later that he is still not okay
and needs to just focus on himself.
How Did I End the Cycle and Get The Fuck Out? After almost 2.5-3 years of this fuckery happening, I completely changed. I focus on myself and started to really value myself which I explained it all in the Personal Power blog. When I was with him, I felt so detached and I was so sick and tired of hearing his excuses as to why he doesn’t want to see me and how he always pushed me away. The final straw was when he made it all about himself again and how life cruel has been to him and that he really does love me. THAT ANNOYED ME! It really did! So, I told him that the thing is with him, is that when one awful thing happens big OR SMALL, EVERYTHING STOPS. I explained to him that even though I understand that healing and mental health should be his number one priority, that I am also my number one priority. I kept going on about how the shit that happens to him is not anyone’s fault and that he can heal in his own way without mistreating me in the process. And I told him that I CANNOT to be the crutches to his emotions since I am not an emotional caretaker and he has absolutely no self-control. I went on and on about that and told him that “I am focusing on myself from now on.”
Now that’s not to say that he was faking his pain, because he really was in excruciating pain that at some point, he isolated himself from the world and pushed everyone away.
That heartbreak was the moment my life and I changed (IN A BEAUTIFUL WAY) and since I have reached my lowest point and managed rise up again and still have the capacity to really care about others and really laugh from the pit of my stomach, anything else that happened to me just hurt for a while. I was broken in the past and I glued myself back together to remain glued and strong.
What Did I Learn from
When you love yourself fully and truly, you will DEMAND that amount of love and respect from others.
Sometimes people need more help than you can give them, know your limits.
Shit that happens to others is not an excuse to act aggressively and abusively towards ANYONE.
Someone who TRULY loves you, respects you and DOES NOT body shame you.
YOU CANNOT help someone who refuses to accept help or help themselves.
Respect is a two-way street.
Love is nurturing, compassionate, sweet, kind and respectful. Love is NOT demeaning, or degrading or disrespectful – SHITTY PEOPLE ARE
Change does NOT happen in a matter of weeks. To change a flaw in YOURSELF takes time, accountability, commitment and determination. So, don’t expect to change ANYONE if that change doesn’t come from within them.
Focus on yourself before adding anyone else to the equation.
I am worthy and I still do believe in love! Love exists and it’s very much real between friends, partners and family members.
You are NEVER ALONE. I found tons of support and love from people when I started talking about my past struggles.
If you’re getting back together with someone make sure they have earned that trust and respect again. Make sure they prove to you how much they really value you.
Your body is a temple and it is YOURS. DON’T allow anyone to abuse it verbally or physically.
No more excusing excuses.
Feel comfortable to share your story in the comments and how you survived domestic violence (mental, physical, sexual or emotional) IF YOU ARE READY TO! I am always here for ANYONE who needs me. Please find help and talk to someone about this, there is ALWAYS a way out.
When I talk about relationships, I don’t specifically mean romantic ones, I mean ALL kinds of relationships between every gender and every age. Whether it’s a homosexual relationship, hetrosexual, friendship, family or sisterhood/brotherhood. I feel like a lot of us settle in situations and we settle for people who don’t serve us right, simply because we ‘love’ them. But seriously though, WHAT IS LOVE?
I think LOVE is more than just a feeling. It’s more than just your heart racing when he/she walks into a room… it’s more than just getting ‘butterflies…’ it’s more than just missing them and wanting to see them… Love is a feeling that should be depicted through actions, otherwise, what makes them different than an acquiantance? While I understand that some people aren’t as expressive, there are still situations and moments that define and really expresses how someone feels about you. NEVER JUST SETTLE!
In my opinion, these are the foundations of ANY relationship:
Respect – too often do we forget this or let it slide because ‘he/she is upset today’ or ‘they’re going through a hard time.’ I always say that people react to situations differently and sometimes we lash out, which I really understand. But is it really your fault that they’re going through this? Why do you have to be the ‘punching bag?’ Why is it that they are taking it out on someone who loves them, appreciates them, respects, supports and is there for them? I think it’s normal to lash out once or twice, but when it becomes a habit and this person has the inability to control what’s coming out of their mouth, then it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship. Love is RESPECTFUL, NOT demeaning or degrading… If they need some time to cool off, that’s understandable, but don’t you ever become anyone’s punching bag! Putting yourself down and allowing them to spit on your dignity in the pursuit of THEIR happiness is NOT love or cute in any shape or form. It makes the relationship toxic and it takes so much time to rebuild that friendship with your friend/lover/sibling.
Loyalty – When I say ‘loyalty’ I’m not just talking about cheating. Loyalty is about knowing you can be vulnerable with them and share the good and the ugly parts of your life without feeling that your privacy is being violated. Loyalty is knowing you can rely on them because they have EARNED that trust and really showed you that they’re worthy enough to hold the title of a ‘friend’ or ‘boyfriend/girlfriend.’
Communication – I cannot stress how crucial communication is in any and every relationship. I wish I can cast a spell on some people to make them mature a little and quit the whole ‘not answering’ or ‘responding’ to a text or phone call. It’s awful the stories I hear about how suddenly a friend or a lover decided to ghost someone with no explanation. If you have a problem with someone, say it TO THEM. Too often do we tell everyone else but that specific person what’s bothering us about them. A relationship cannot work if your issues, interests, goals and expectations are not being shared. The problem with lost communication is that it can take forever, if ever, to win it back. Make sure your voice and theirs is always heard, so you can always have a mutual understanding and agreement. Nothing is worse than feeling lonely in a relationship. And if I’m being honest, I would choose being alone over and over again over feeling lonely with a friend/lover.
Affection/Kindness – Friendships can be affectionate too but at a different level of course. I said this before and I’ll say it again, part of being in a relationship is about EVERY moment together, NOT just one or a few good moments. I think those little things like picking them up for dinner, getting them a gift on an anniversary and kindness is what makes a relationship more beautiful. It paints a whole new picture and it puts a memorable smile on their face. We live in a world where we get to experience different levels of beauty of life, and I truly believe that it’s even more beautiful when you share it with someone you deeply care about. There are days where we hit a bump on a road or go through a difficult experience, and the last thing you want is someone in your life who makes it even harder. Kindness does NOT cost the life of anyone, so the whole ‘I treat you like shit because I love you’ is total fucking bullshit and it’s a mask for their shitty, ugly heart that doesn’t know how to really love. If you can’t be kind and make their day better, then just don’t be in a relationship. Obviously this doesn’t apply to the days where you or them don’t feel okay. Sometimes we need to be alone to process our emotions and sometimes we’re just not in the mood to be all lovey dovey all the time.
I know that some of the stuff I talk about here can seem ‘offensive’ to some people, but I have decided a year ago to be my assertive self and to share my two cents no matter what. If honesty and the hard truth bothers you, leave. Otherwise you’ll just be giving me more viewers 🙂 so to me it’s a win-win either way. I also know that my content helps people and raises awareness about a lot of different topics which is my goal, and I won’t EVER stop.
Sending you all tons of love and light <3 Remember, I am ALWAYS here if you need someone to talk to because you’re not alone even when it feels like it…
I think this might be one of the most difficult blogs that I’ll write, as it brings back some memories. I will share what I can share, and keep other stuff to myself. I’m entitled to my privacy no matter what. ***Please note that this blog will cover sensitive topics like depression, self-harm and suicide. If this triggers you in any way, please refrain from reading and put your health first 🖤***
I was in a relationship with someone for a while and it was on and off. Currently it’s just off and thank God I feel good about this decision. The relationship had its ups and downs, but mostly downs. I had to understand and accept at some point that a relationship isn’t built on a few good moments, it’s about every moment. In no shape or form will I allow any shit comments about either of us, even though I know I deserve better than him. This isn’t an opportunity to bully or roast anyone.
As I refuse to mention anyone’s name or identity, I will nickname him HERE as Ken. So Ken and I were so in love, like truly. We were in love for YEARS. A lot of things got in the way and even though I should’ve realised this person is someone I shouldn’t be with, we both overcame it because we were in love. 4 days after we got back together after months broken up, Ken lost an important family member whom he cherished. It started with him shutting me out as part of his grieving and I think we should always give people time to process their emotions and really digest what happened. It was hard seeing him suffer and refuse to let anyone in, including myself. For the first month or two, he was jumping from isolation to “lets go out and I’m fine” as he was trying to move forward and trying to be okay with everything.
The closure he didn’t get and the feelings of loss, anger, despair and heart break started making him aggressive. There were times where he wouldn’t respond to my texts or calls, and times where he would act defensive with me. I always felt like I didn’t know what to say or the right words to say, but I still tried. The situation made me feel useless and inadequate because he didn’t feel better and any more comfortable with his own girlfriend. For around 5-6 months (really short time ofc) we were in this cycle of “I miss you” to “don’t talk to me” to “I want to be alone” to “I feel this” and it would repeat over and over again.
The mistake I made in a situation like this, is knowing that he was self-harming and slowly dying made me neglect my own feelings and tell myself that this is about HIM. When in reality a relationship is about two people with two different shared journeys.
At some point, he refused help because he didn’t believe it was possible to heal. He thought he did everything he could to feel better, and at that time his “friends” walked away as he kept shutting them out. I felt so depressed seeing him that way and then him not letting me see him or respond to my texts or calls. This was one of the scariest phases of my life. I always wondered if something happened to him or if he hurt himself. So I decided to have a conversation with him about how I feel and how it scares me not to hear from him over a week or so. I explained that I only want to make sure he is okay, and that I’m here when he is ready to talk about it. I wanted to let him know he isn’t alone and even though I was the only one left in his life, it doesn’t mean that he had to go through this alone.
His response was always aggressive, and when I tried to tell him how upset I felt in the hopes that this will make him feel safer being vulnerable, his response was either cold or ridicule. It sucked that I wasn’t acknowledged but I thought in that moment that he isn’t himself at the moment and he just needs time because he really is heart broken. Then it became verbally abusive… he called me names and even body shamed me, then he’d apologise saying that he only says shit like that so that I can stay away from him. He’d say he wants to be with me but he doesn’t want to drag me down with him.
This kept happening over and over again, destroying the both of us in the process. Also in that time, I was self-conscious about myself in every way and he was the first REAL love of my life after I was bullied so I latched onto him and refused to let go. I barely talked about it with my friends because I knew they’d tell me to leave him for being verbally abusive and that’s something I wasn’t ready to hear. So I told myself for the longest time that he’ll realise that he’s wrong sooner or later, he loves me too much but he’s just hurting, that he is a good person but he has his moments and that one day he’ll change. Did any of that happen? Fuck to the NO. Why? Again, we’re two different people on different journeys. I was supposed to focus on my journey of self-love, self-respect and confidence enough to set standards and refuse to be verbally abused or even let it get to me (wrote a whole blog about it called Personal Empowerment: How Did I Find Myself?)
We fought a lot after that, like A LOT that it was so exhausting. And at some point, I exploded! I was angry and I expressed everything I felt that year. I was crying almost daily from fear of losing him, feeling alone with him, worrying about him, how he made me feel about myself, how I viewed myself and I still wasn’t over things that happened to me before that. And when I did that day, Ken didn’t acknowledge my feelings or as he would say, he didn’t want to “show that he cares” but he “loves” me too much. He was cold and his response seemed like he wasn’t taking it seriously. So out of anger, I literally said “WE’RE OVER!”
How Can You Help A Depressed Person?
1- Give them time to process their feelings and really understand what happened. People grieve differently and I think there isn’t a specific time where they should feel fine, because people are different. Understand that their time alone is NOT an insult to you, it’s about collecting their thoughts and re-evaluating things in silence.
2- Make them feel it’s a safe space. Tell them that even though it feels very lonely and while you know that they’re in such a dark place, it doesn’t mean they don’t have anyone. Tell them that you’re there if they need a shoulder to cry on, or to just, or even to just sit in silence together.
3- Let them know that how they feel is VALID. You might NOT understand what they’re going through even if you think you do. However, they might not believe that you get it because you’re not in their shoes, which is something you have to accept. Nothing angers them more than people who act like they know what it’s like.
4- Help them get their life back together. Taking time off to rethink everything and grieve is one thing, and them leaving themselves to decay is another thing. Help them by maybe going to the gym so they can let out their emotions. Or go for a run together, maybe even clubbing to dance! Give them a reason to get out of the house.
5- Know your boundaries and limits – You have NO right to invade their privacy or pressure them to talk when they made it clear that they’re not ready. I know how concerned we can be, but the more you push them, the more they’ll push you away. Limits- the amount of help you can give. I know there is a huge stigma surrounding mental health but FUCK THAT. If you have given them all the support, love and care you can give for a while and it doesn’t work, it’s time for them to seek professional help. Him/Her seeking professional help doesn’t mean that it’s over for them or that you’re not good enough or worthy enough. There is a limit to the amount of help we can all give and going to a therapist should be looked at as an OPENING. It’s a new journey to learn how to deal with emotions and cope with them.
What Boundaries Should I Set?
Please, for the love of hummus DO NOT let anyone DISRESPECT YOU. Sometimes we lash out or throw tantrums, but when it’s constant, it puts you down and your view of self-worth. I’m sorry but whatever they are going through is NOT your fault, you DID NOT cause this. Look at it this way, you’re giving them your shoulder to cry on, your time and space for them to talk, your energy to take them out and help them, all the love in your heart and being very cautious with every word you say, and that’s how they treat you?? If it happened once or twice, I think it’s normal, but if happens often or a lot, then it’s time to re-evaluate that relationship. We see enough shit from the world and fucking shit in life, so really why are we doing the same shit to each other? Why? It’s a big problem if that person is someone you’re seeing because it shows how they don’t really value you or respect you enough. Do you treat them the same way when you go through something? Every situation reveals a layer to each and every single one of us.
DON’T be an emotional caretaker. You’re a human being whose job is to give support and be there for them, but you can’t be the crutches to anyone’s emotions. He/She has to be able to look after themselves even when they’re at their lowest. Dragging you down with them won’t pull either of you up.
Know when to walk away – I’ll put it this way, you CANNOT help someone who refuses to help themselves. You can ENCOURAGE them to get help or open up, but the decision to start the healing journey and really feeling every emotion to get through it is a choice that you can’t make for anyone. A relationship is built on respect, communication, loyalty and affection. If that person isn’t communicating with you any longer like you used to, it will be very hard to get back that communication. If they’re constantly distancing themselves and expect you to be there for them even when they mistreat you, then they don’t respect you enough and it’s a selfish thing to want. Don’t forget that a boyfriend/girlfriend should have the same qualities is a friend and when the friendship is lost, the spark starts to fade. So really what are you doing right now? You aren’t friends anymore, you lost the spark, you’re barely communicating, you’re being mistreated and disrespected and you feel alone. What the damn hell are you doing? Even a therapist should be able to establish a connection with them and a therapist/psychologist is a mental health professional. You’re THEIR LOVER.
Remember that we are all on a different journey and there is only so much that we can give. Losing yourself for someone isn’t romantic or cute, it’s self-destructive. There is always help out there but people have different timings and hope can always grow in our hearts after it has been lost. Love should be kind not cruel, love should be respectful not degrading, love should be compassionate not demeaning, love should be affectionate not toxic. I’m not asking you to expect romance and butterflies in a time like this, because you would be asking them for a lot. But the ability to control their anger and not using stabbing words with you or about you isn’t that hard to control. We all have at least 1% control in situations like this, so it’s not okay to fuck people over because you’re hurting. Love doesn’t hurt because love is kind, shit people do hurt you. Being in pain does NOT make a wrong less wrong and being a dick is never an opportunity.
If you ever need to talk to someone just let me know and I’ll be here 🖤 Feel free to share your story in the comments IF YOU WANT TO💋
Let’s be real, body shaming EXISTS. We all have been to family gatherings where we were told “oh have you gained weight?” “Damn you lost a lot of weight. You should be careful” or shit like “what have you done to your hair?” Sometimes you even sit with a friend or a cousin and they start nit picking on others. “She definitely got lip fillers. That’s why she looks like a duck” “Man that guy is too thin and short. Ew not my type.” Body shaming can be difficult to face and even harder to speak up if it comes from someone who is close to you.
Notice the caption under the photo up there? “Love shouldn’t hurt.” Now, love isn’t just between a man and a woman. It can be family love, friendships and siblings. It’s strange to me how people constantly say love is kind and/or romantic then you hear people saying they lost weight because their partner thinks it’s more attractive. Apparently the idea that “fat is bad” and “fat means unhealthy” still exists. Before we jump to how to deal with that bullshit, let me explain something about “fat.”
FAT is distributed differently in our bodies. There are people who get more fat around their hips when they gain a few pounds. Others get fat on their buttocks. You DON’T know what someone’s fat percentage is or what it should be and how the fat is distributed around their body. And really it’s none of your damn business. Focus on YOUR appearance not others.
’Fat is unhealthy’ let me remind you that we ALL have fats and cellulite. Fat is IMPORTANT sometimes! There is a reason why underweight people and anorexics (eating disorder and hopefully diagnosed by a professional not a dumb fuck on social media) are asked to gain some weight because we all need a specific fat percentage. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to promote obesity as it comes with a lot of health issues just like being underweight is as dangerous.
Muscle weighs more than fat. Weight doesn’t instantly tell you how much body fat you have. Weight = fats, muscles, bones, etc… body builders weigh a lot because of their muscle mass. Do your research and educate yourself https://8fit.com/fitness/muscle-weight-vs-fat-weight-frequently-asked-questions/ Of course if you don’t want to educate yourself or do research, then it’s your choice. But if you don’t have anything nice to say or anything productive to add to conversation, then just keep your mouth shut and stapled.
NOTE: Any change you attempt to do should be done for YOU. It’s YOUR body and no one else’s. There is a reason why we’re in different bodies and we weren’t born in the same body as someone else haha. Embrace your body and only try to enhance your beauty. If you’re self-conscious about your body and confidence, please go read my other blogs.
You Might Be In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
I don’t know anything about your relationship or the nature of it. But I do know that someone who loves YOU accepts YOU as a whole. They love YOU for YOU, not for who they want you to be or this image they have of you which isn’t you. Why do we spend so much time trying to make the other person feel loved and that their imperfections are perfect when we don’t receive the same respect and affection? Respect is a two-way street no matter what the nature of your relationship is and how long you’ve been together. Even if it was said in a moment of anger, that thought came from somewhere. One day we’re gonna grow old and I don’t think anyone will think in their 80’s that they should have been 15 kgs lighter when they were 27. Love is not about how thick your thighs are or how long your hair is. It’s about loving YOU as a PERSON, not as a body.
Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse. And it is NEVER too late to stand up for yourself. If a partner (man or woman) makes a disgusting comment about your body, explain to them how that makes you feel and try to let them see how they have been brainwashed by society. I personally think that’s not a relationship worth investing in because of the reasons I explained above. If it doesn’t stop, walk away. It’s hard of course, but it is even harder to feel lonely in a relationship.
NOTE: Body positivity and acceptance does NOT equate to eating junk food and/or being lazy. Health is SUPER important. My blogs are not meant to dismiss the idea of getting in shape and eating clean. It’s about raising awareness of issues that arise these days and explaining how to deal with them from my personal experience.
Toxic Family Members
If a parent, cousin, uncle or aunt criticises your body or makes fun of your appearance, try to do one of the following:
A) Explain how that makes you feel (if they listen like a normal human being)
B) Politely ask them to fuck off. “You know I don’t really see the point of that comment. Thank you for raising your concerns but I’m good and I have my doctors to look after me.”
C) Make them look stupid using humour 🙂 “hahaha you think? I actually see myself in the mirror every day so I know how I look like haha. Glad you care so much about MY body.” Emphasise on ‘MY’ to make them look stupid and I promise you they will be embarrassed.
Whatever you decide to do, distance yourself from that person. I used to keep quiet about, but I choose to speak up. It won’t end it I let them hurt me or just throw nasty comments that are pointless tbh.
Message To WOMEN
LADIES! Why are we judging and criticising each other? Don’t we have enough cultures trying to silence us? Jobs STILL paying men more than women (simply cuz they have a 2-inch dick)? Don’t we have enough labels to deal with daily? Sexism??? So really, why are women hating on each other a lot these days?! Why is social media filled with women trying to tear each other apart? Quit your attempt to cyber bully people because YOU lack confidence and respect. Spread love or just work on you, yourself and you. I promise you that I won’t stay quiet if I see a woman skinny shaming and fat shaming other women. So much for ‘Female Empowerment’ lol.
Also, why are we making fun of men now too?😂 We are already have a lot of work to do ladies to get together, so why are we labelling a guy’s masculinity based on how much muscle he has? I understand we all have preferences, but judgement and body shaming is NOT okay. It’s disgusting.
Message To Men
I truly believe that men deal with body image issues, but they aren’t as vocal about it as we are because of this preconceived notion that men shouldn’t express emotions and that being “man enough” is about being tough, going to the gym, drinking protein shakes and being 6”2
Watch this video by Justin Baldoni (AKA Rafael from Jane The Virgin) https://youtu.be/Cetg4gu0oQQ
This platform is open for you to talk about it. There is no judgment here. However, I DO have a problem with “guys” shaming other women about how they should look like. I hope you read my blog properly and understood that masculinity is about RESPECT. It’s about showing your daughter, wife, girlfriend and sister that you love them unconditionally regardless. MEN don’t judge a woman based on how she dresses, how much she weighs and what she eats. “Boys” do that. Actually I call them “baby boys.” Don’t be a baby boy, because you’re the one who is going to lose HER, lose your masculinity and get your ass roasted. I had enough of this bs. And trust me, everyone’s patience runs out eventually. So no matter how much she loves you NOW, she’ll lose all the respect and love she holds in her heart for you sooner or later. Don’t be a dickless baby boy 🙂
So I hear a lot of misconceptions regarding relationships and so I decided to write this blog as a wake up call for a lot. These are misconceptions I hear A LOT, and others that I have asked.
“We have to talk every single day/meet daily” – I think that is beautiful to spend as much quality time as possible with that special person, but I also think that DAILY can be a little bit excessive. Of course, it’s nice to hear from them and chat daily, but I have noticed recently that A LOT of people make it seem like it’s an obligation. Ever heard something like “HOW COULD HE NOT TALK TO ME FOR 14 HOURS! DID HE REALLY FORGET ABOUT ME?” “How did he/she not text you today?” Well, sometimes people need some space even from their partner/lover. That doesn’t mean they love you any less, it just means that sometimes you just want to sit in silence and collect your thoughts. Before you say “how can he stay away from me for an entire day!? If he loves me enough he’ll talk to me all the time.” Yeah, if he loves you he will make time for you because it is a matter of priorities. I just think we’re quick to judge and jump into conclusions. That individual coulld be having a tough day and wants a day or two to cool off before letting you in, they could have other committments, and so on. Give people the benefit of the doubt. I think it is a problem if he/she is constantly looking for an excuse to stay away and not text for more than 2-3 days every other day.
LOVE CONQUERS ALL! – That would be a lovely dream that came true, unfortunately if that’s true, every relationship out there would have lasted. Love CAN conquer a lot, but love alone is not enough. If you’re in a relationship where you’re being name called during an argument, or your partner keeps ghosting you, or he/she makes you feel like crap when you open up or makes fun of that, then it isn’t a mutual fulfilling relationship. No relationship in this world lasts without affection, trust and faithfulness. A lover should also be YOUR BEST FRIEND that you can laugh with from the pit of your heart. You can be in love but the chemistry between you is weak. You can be with someone who loves you, but is too chicken to stand up for you. There is a lot more that comes to a relationship than just ‘love.’ It all falls back to the personality and the romantic feelings can be an extra positive push making your relationship blossom.
“If he didn’t like me he wouldn’t be responding at all”– Well… we all said this at some point.. “why else would he respond to my texts?” well maybe he doesn’t want to bluntly say he doesn’t want to talk to you, or he is simply having a nice conversation with a friend. I see people say this a lot even when a guy responds to every text 72 hours later xD Like how boring is that? 😀 Let me make it very simple for you, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. If someone likes you, they WILL put the effort and look for the most irrelevent reasons to talk to you. If you want to know how someone feels about you, just ask them or show your interest and see how they will respond. There is absolutely no gender role in starting a conversation (as long as you’re not the one initiating everything every time) and there is no gender role in asking someone for coffee. It’s just coffee y’all. Remember that some guys/men get rejected terribly and that can make them fear asking a woman out or put them off, or he might just be a shy guy. A response is always better than no response, no matter how the conversation ends. The moment you have answers is the moment you’re aware of what’s next – moving on or start seeing this person
BOTH MEN AND WOMEN DO THIS A LOT – Make Them Jealous To See If They Love You – Let me just start by saying FUCK TO THE NO (I used to do it too by the way) Obviously you wouldn’t want to feel like that special person is going to be taken soon by anyone else, BUT jealousy DOES NOT = love Jealousy usually comes from a place of possessiveness or insecurity. When people get jealous, they tend to think “well she is pretty gorgeous, of course he has the hots for her,” “Look at how she is walking and that hair.. such an attention seeking you-know-what.” It always comes from a place of feeling inadequate or threatened. So I disagree completely with using this method to try to know if someone likes you. That would be feeding into their insecurity and/or you’re allowing them to be possessive. Want to know if someone has feelings for you? See if they actually act like it, because LOVE should come from a place of LOVE, not fear, not threat and definitely not possessiveness or insecurity. That is NOT cute nor is it healthy…
I’m Cold With You Because I Love You – Drop the bad boy act, sir. We’re not in high school anymore. I don’t see why I even have to explain this. So I’ll just leave it at that…
Are friendships more important than relationships? or are relationships more important than friendships? or both?
The reason why I’m writing this blog is because we tend to forget the definition of a ‘friend‘ and choose to settle in toxic ones without noticing, and we tell ourselves that everyone deserves a ‘second chance,’ that people ‘make mistakes,’ or that ‘forgiveness is key.’ First and foremost, a second chance is for someone who made a MISTAKE. What’s a mistake? – Saying something that came out wrong, leaving a text message ‘seen,’ accidentally saying something in front of people that your friend expected you to keep quiet about (depends on what it is ofc). That’s a ‘mistake’ in my vocabulary at least, because yes, people make mistakes sometimes.
However, I don’t believe that ‘forgiveness is key.‘ Firstly, it’s not my responsibility to forgive, God forgives and I’m not God. Two, for you to reach a point with your friend that you have to sit there and think how to get over something and to ‘forgive’ them says a lot about this friendship. For them to do something that makes it difficult to see them for a while, because he/she has hurt you or betrayed you is NOT the definition of a friend. A friend does NOT leave a mark or a scar on you that way, a friend does NOT break the trust and most certainly, a friend DOESN’T bring you down about your appearance or make you feel self-conscious.I think it is important to cleanse your soul from hatred because it really affects you, and only you, but that doesn’t mean you have to go back to that friendship. Let me define a ‘friend’ in two words:
LOYALTY is a friend’s job and a responsibility! Trust is EARNED – it doesn’t happen overnight or in 3 weeks, it takes a loooot after a trust is broken. If you can ‘forgive’ but not ‘forget,’ then you haven’t really forgiven them. You still remember what they did to you, why the hell would you settle for less? If a friendship is demeaning, hurtful, disloyal and/or unfaithful, you open the door and kick their sorry ass out of YOUR LIFE and send them snake emojis. There is only ONE life to live and anyone who turns your spotlight off or lets you down is not worthy enough to hold the title of a ‘friend.’ When a guy breaks my heart, I want to be able to lean on my friend. When I have an argument with my boyfriend/fiancee/husband, I want to be able to ask my friend for advice and trust her enough. When his birthday is coming up, I want my friend(s) to help me find the perfect, special gift. So if you’re going to let your friend in your life that way, know about the core of your relationships, see you at your best and at your worst, vulnerable times, then they better earn and hold the title of a ‘friend’ above their heads. Guys come and go, and that DOESN’T mean relationships aren’t important, but a friend holds you up high and looks after you. If a friend LOVES you, they will respect you and acknowledge your feelings. I don’t care if they love you if they haven’t treated you with respect and love. What’s the point? What makes them different from an acquaintance? Goodbye.
There are so many qualities that fall under a boyfriend/girlfriend, because we usually look forward to starting a life with them (not everyone, but most of the time) and that’s why there is so many that comes with a lover, as well as loyalty. But it’s an OBLIGATION for every friend to stay truthful, honest, respectful and caring. Who else will I lean on? Who will crush his scones when he upsets me? Who will help me put together a date night outfit? If it’s fake, then I’d rather not have it at all, because the emotions won’t be raw and real. So please, STOP with the ‘I forgave but I won’t forget‘ and stop staying in friendships just because you have known them for years. People grow and change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. It’s not your loss. But it is time to sit down and re-evaluate our friendships as we mature, grow and shine.