Something Changed

The past few days, something struck my mind. It still is on my mind and as I am entitled to my privacy, there are some gaps that won’t be filled or explained in this blog. I feel the need to write this blog to show you that even bloggers who write about healing and inspiration, themselves have inner work to be done. Social media is either a fake perfect world or an Instagram page full of gloomy quotes, which is unrealistic. And in those past two days, something within me changed. Some of you might relate and understand, others won’t and that’s okay… I think that’s the most vulnerable I’ll be in my blogs.

Last week I was working on forgiving and letting go. I wrote a list of people that I want to forgive to cleanse my soul more and as I went through every name I said “I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.” I even contacted two of these people to tell them that I have forgiven them and that I have moved on to close that door completely. Whilst going through every name, I got a wave of memories and things I felt in those specific moments that were very overwhelming. My soul felt heavy like I have weight on my chest, but working through forgiveness allowed me to feel lighter for 2-3 days, then for some reason I found myself not feeling well.

As I always like to take time off and really sit with myself, I realised that there is only one person that I am finding it so hard to forgive. That one person is me. I am aware that I am not responsible of others actions and that no one deserves to go through any of the things I have been through, but for some reason, I am still holding that grudge against me. I feel responsible – like I could have avoided all of that if I had left or done something earlier. I do understand that it is all in the past, but that’s not why I am angry. I am angry at the long-term effect it has on me (again, can’t share everything) and I just want to break-free.

In a way, I feel trapped in my head. Like I am disinterested in social activities and long conversations. I feel like being away from social media as well. I’m almost depressed. I don’t feel as present and I really need to focus on my commitments. I believe that I owe it to myself to forgive myself and be more self-compassionate. As I have been feeling really low, I want to take some time off and be alone for a bit. I have enough noise in my head. Maybe a part of me does need a little reassurance, but I also really need to disconnect in order to reconnect to the world. Currently, I feel alone because I’m trapped in my head. So I decided to put my mental health and myself first by deactivating my social media accounts as soon as the 24 hour period on my Instagram story runs out, where I promote this blog. I just want to focus on my healing, limit contact and stay focused on my commitments. I want to really sit with myself and let it all out without any distractions.

I would like to end this blog post on a positive note either way and say that we all deserve to celebrate our progress no matter how big or small they are, and we all grow through healing. We all learn from the past to be our best self in the present and future. So don’t give up and make the most of every day. Sending you all tons of love and light. I will be back with better blogs when I get my energy levels back up and when I improve my mental health.

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